


Darwin Awards

by RedwoodTators



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Oneshot, crackish, team fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:33:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29794047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedwoodTators/pseuds/RedwoodTators
Summary: The team recounts their most embarrassing deaths for Nile.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache & Booker | Sebastien & Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusef & Nicky | Nicolò, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 8
Kudos: 134





	Darwin Awards

**Author's Note:**

> This popped in my head while I was driving home from work so I quick wrote it up.

Nicky looked up from his book at the loud crashing noise outside. He looked at Booker, who was sitting by the window.

“I think Nile fell out of a tree,” Booker said, squinting out of the window. Andy snorted from the other chair she had been half-dozing in. “Looks like she landed on her head,” he added. Andy barked a laugh and sat up.

A minute later, a disgruntled Nile stomped in the house, a leaf still in her hair and mud on her jacket, followed by a smiling Joe. 

“Climbing trees, Nile?” Andy asked with a large grin. Nicky looked down to hide his smile.

Nile grabbed a water off the counter and flopped down on the other end of the couch.

“I can’t believe I fell out of a tree and died,” she grumbled. “That’s so embarrassing.”

Joe patted her on the shoulder as he sat next to Nicky. “We’ve all had those deaths before. I think we’ve all choked on food at least once.”

“Alright then, what’s the most embarrassing death you guys have had?”

After a few seconds of thinking, Booker spoke first.

“1913. I was undercover as a guard for an Austrian Governor. He was corrupt and I was trying to find information on his allies. I tripped on a corner of the rug in his office and fell on my sword. Bled out right in front of his desk.” 

Nile grinned and the other three immortals laughed. 

Booker shook his head with a self-deprecating smile. “It wasn’t even a real sword. It was ceremonial!” 

“I had forgotten about that,” Andy laughed.

“What happened with the mission?” Nile asked.

“Well, he saw me die and come back and I didn’t really want him to form a mob, so I had to kill him and stuff him in the closet until I could sneak out of the mansion. Luckily I did find some letters so we had a lead on his allies.”

“And you haven’t worn a sword since then,” Joe added

“Knives are more practical and won’t kill me if I trip.”

Nicky glanced at Joe. “In the, what, 1300’s? We were traveling through Africa-”

“Nicolo, please,” Joe interrupted. “I thought we agreed to never bring this up.”

“No, you agreed. I never promised anything.” Joe groaned and threw his arm over his face. Nile grinned and leaned forwards as Nicky continued. “Joe heard a peeping noise in the long grass. I was hot and tired so I waited underneath a tree while Joe went searching for the noise. He found a little baby ostrich, all by itself. He picked it up and brought it over to show me, all while the little ostrich kept cheeping. Then I saw the tall grass parting, but before I could say anything, two large ostriches appeared and lunged at Joe.”

“And what did you do, oh love of my life?” Joe asked, in a very pointed tone.

“I climbed the tree.”

“He climbed the tree!” Joe yelled, arms waving around. “While I am accosted by giant angry flightless birds, my love fled, like a coward!”

Nicky patted Joe on the cheek. “The ostriches, unfortunately, got the best of him. He fought very bravely, but tripped over his own feet and got stomped on. Once they killed him, the birds calmed down, collected their chick, and left.”

Andy laughed loudly. “Killed by birds, Joe?”

“I was trying to fend them off without killing them!” Joe was affronted. “They were just trying to get their baby; I didn’t want to hurt them. Perhaps if Nicky hadn’t left me to my fate I would have fared better.” 

Nicky smiled at Joe. “I do not provoke larger grumpy animals when I can avoid it.”

Joe sniffed in faux outrage. He turned back to Nile. “Nile, have you seen those old cartoons where an anvil falls on the wolf?”

“Coyote,” Booker mutters.

Nile’s jaw drops. “No.”

“My poor Nicolo was walking down the street in Rome in the 1600’s, I think. We were walking towards each other and had almost met, when a harpsichord fell off of some scaffolding and fell right on top of him. The workers must’ve gotten distracted by Nicky’s eyes before they could get it over the railing into the apartment.”

Nicky rolled his eyes with a smile. “It happened very quickly. I woke up in an ally Joe had dragged me into during the chaos. I could hear the owner shouting from down the street.”

“Unlike Nicky’s betrayal with the ostriches, I was not laughing at the time. Afterwards, though, it was quite funny.”

“He dragged me to many harpsichord concerts for months afterwards.”

After everyone stopped laughing, Nile turned to Andy with an expectant look.

“Quyhn once got stuck in her dress and fell out of a window of an inn. Luckily it was dark so nobody saw,” Andy offered. “Can’t say I’ve had deaths as sad as the others. I’ve been thrown off of many horses, a few elephants, a couple of camels, a reindeer, and even a yak.”

“Come on, Andy, there’s got to be something,” Nile cajoled.

Andy shook her head. “Sorry kid, I’ve just had better deaths.”

Nile narrowed her eyes, clearly not believing her.

Booker cleared his throat. “Actually boss, I seem to remember one of your deaths from only three years ago.”

Andy frowned at him, trying to remember.

Booker continued. “We were looking into that arms dealer in Poland. You were searching his office for documents.”

Andy’s eyes went wide and she gasped. “Booker, don’t you dare-”

He continued with a shit-eating grin. “Andy couldn’t reach the top of his filing cabinet so she dragged a rolling chair over to stand on.” Booker laughed and easily ducked the pillow Andy threw at his head. “I came in and startled her and the chair spun and she fell off and hit her head on the corner of the cabinet and snapped her neck.”

Everyone in the room laughed as Andy grabbed for another pillow to throw.

“At least we didn’t have blood to clean up,” Booker added. 

Nile smiled and sunk back into the couch as her new family started bickering. Andy was scolding Booker for snitching, Joe was accusing Nicky of abandoning him to the birds, and Nicky and Booker were arguing about the details of some mission on a train in China. She looked forward to being able to torment her family for the next couple hundred of years.


End file.
